Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
