And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Randomize
