I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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