I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
