Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
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