Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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