I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
