I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Randomize
