Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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