There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
