So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I need to calm my uterus...
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize