im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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