apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
