I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
It's never too late to be topless.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
