I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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