his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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