so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Getting drunk in a different country is not a good idea. Lets just say spanish women, 17 yr olds from missouri, prostitutes, and a poodle. I don´t want to leave spain.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
