I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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