I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
