curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
