Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Randomize
