Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
