I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
