I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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