Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
