What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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