I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
