Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I'm way too hungover for life right now
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
