I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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