Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
