everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
