oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
