Tell her she can't have a vagina
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
the liver wants what the liver wants
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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