why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
