i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
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