I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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