I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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