I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
