I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
