Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Randomize
