i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
