Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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