Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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