Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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