i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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