I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
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