apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
