remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
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