If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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