My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
