i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
