If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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