I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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