Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
