Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
