I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
