You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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