3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
