just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
