Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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