does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I understand Curling. That high.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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