apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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