I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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