Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Randomize
