then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
